


pain is never permanent (but tonight it's killing me)

by sergeantfuckybarnes



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Pining, Unrequited Love, bucky is sad and gay and in love with a little punk from brooklyn, bucky writes a letter, bucky’s in it womb to tomb you already know, dum-dum dugan aka the supportive dad, fighting hydra, shortened and paraphrased some quotes so I won’t get sued, the train scene from cap 1
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 00:24:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15545541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sergeantfuckybarnes/pseuds/sergeantfuckybarnes
Summary: They sat in silence for a minute until Dum-Dum spoke up.“You love him, don’t you?”“Always have, always will.” Bucky confessed.





	pain is never permanent (but tonight it's killing me)

It had been exactly one month after Steve stormed that HYDRA facility to save Bucky’s dumb ass like a damsel in distress. Picked him up off that lab table like a rag doll. It had been one month of getting used to the whole “yeah so I volunteered for the army and got picked to be the host of this fancy super soldier serum” situation. Or rather, getting used to his skinny, asthmatic best friend now being the size of a semi truck. It had been one month of Bucky being back but not feeling quite right. _It’s just the war,_ he tells himself, _I bet the older guys who’ve been on the front longer feel the same way._ Bucky couldn’t tell a lie to save his life, but he sure as hell could convince himself of anything.

Most importantly, though, it had been exactly one month of watching Steve and Agent Carter dancing around each other like teenagers. Bucky always felt a surge of jealousy when watching Steve get all flustered when Peggy walked into a room. He admired Agent Carter from the first time he met her. She was exactly what Steve needed. He just wishes that Steve would look at _him_ with that big dumb smile of his. That smile that only showed itself when Peggy was in the room. Honestly, Bucky was pitiful. Who sulked over the fact that their best friend had finally found their perfect match? James Barnes, that’s who. He missed the days when it was just him and Steve, taking on Brooklyn one bruise at a time. He missed Steve getting into fights and having to step in to save his ass. Well, he might not have missed that, exactly, but the sentiment’s still there. These days, Steve didn’t need Bucky now that he had Agent Carter. She had captured Steve’s heart just like Steve had captured hers. He didn’t blame her, though, because Steve had captured his heart too.

For as long as Bucky had known Steve, he knew that Steve was his one and only. Even if Steve didn’t feel the same. Steve got Bucky’s heart racing when he was sitting in that old, battered armchair by the window sketching, just as much as he did when Bucky caught him getting beaten up in a back alley. Both of those sights were common occurrences through the years. It was hell to love a fighter.

Bucky had to fill up his time with other ways besides bullshitting with Steve. That’s how he became close to the other guys in his commando unit. Namely Tim Dugan. “Dum-Dum” Dugan was his favorite, all jovial smiles and bad jokes. It was refreshing to have a guy like that in the midst of a war. When Bucky was thinking a little too hard about something, Dum-Dum would always know how to get him out of his own head. It was late one night when he and Dum-Dum were the only two awake around the fire that he confronted Bucky about it.

“Ever since Captain Rogers arrived, you’ve stopped talkin’ about your girl from back home. And you haven’t gotten anymore letters. He’s your girl, isn’t he?”

Bucky panicked. How the hell had Dugan put all that together and come to that conclusion? Bucky’s spluttering was the only confirmation Dum-Dum needed to keep going.

“See, you used to talk about ‘er every day. Those big blue eyes, blonde hair, the way she made even an ugly mug like yours look beautiful in her drawings. We never heard the end of it. Then Rogers came around.”

Bucky wasn’t sure he wanted to hear more. He could feel his heart trying to beat right out of his chest. He was terrified of what people would think of him for being queer. The thought of Steve looking at him like he was no better than the enemies they were fighting made him sick. “Tim, I-"

“I’m not finished, Barnes. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

That didn’t exactly ease Bucky’s mind, but then again, if Dum-Dum was still willing to crack a joke at his expense, then he must not have thought too bad of him.

Dum-Dum continued, “Rogers arrived, and you didn’t say a word about her or those letters. Granted, you were out cold for two days after the whole HYDRA deal, but even after you were up and at ‘em… not a word. It was one day when Captain Rogers was giving the unit that little pep talk before the raid in France that I noticed something. You stood up there alongside him and watched the whole time he was talking. You had that look in your eye- that same look you would have on your face when you talked about your girl. You looked at him like the sun was shining outta his ass! It was after that when I noticed he had those blue eyes and the blonde hair. He always gets a sketch or two in when he has any free time. That’s when I realized, that’s who you had waiting for you back home.”

At this point, Bucky was speechless. He had truly gone and gotten himself royally fucked with this one. If Dum-Dum put it together that easily, then who else could have figured out his secret? All Bucky could manage to do was choke out a quiet apology, “I’m so sorry, Tim… if you wanna turn me in then go ahead, just please don’t tell Steve.”

“Bucky what in the fresh hell are you talkin’ about? Turn you in? And stop calling me Tim for Christ’s sake.” Dum-Dum said with a scowl.

“For being queer.”

“What do you take me for? I don’t give a damn if you love a man or a woman. You’re a great sergeant, and an even better man. I wouldn’t turn you in for that, and I wouldn’t tell Rogers. That’s not my secret to tell.”

Bucky was touched. He didn’t know what to say to that. Dum-Dum opened his arms for a hug. Bucky fell into the embrace. Bucky then scooted back over to his spot in the grass, getting lost in his own thoughts again. They sat in silence for a minute until Dum-Dum spoke up.

“You love him, don’t you?”

“Always have, always will.” Bucky confessed.

A look of sadness crossed Dum-Dum’s face. He knew as well as anyone else did that Captain Rogers was enamored with Agent Carter. She’d say yes if Steve would propose with a twist tie. He must have thought it best to leave it at that. They both kept watch even though it was just Dugan’s shift to watch. Bucky didn’t mind. The longer he was awake, the longer he didn’t dream of being HYDRA’s lab rat.

~

Steve noticed the bags under Bucky’s eyes as soon as they sat down for breakfast that morning.

“Hey, Buck, You alright?”

“As good as a man eating half-stale bread can be.” Bucky tried cracking a joke that didn’t quite deliver. Little did Steve know, the bags weren’t just because of his lack of sleep. Bucky was mentally exhausted. That tended to happen a lot after he woke up from HYDRA’s table.

Steve’s eyebrows furrowed. Even if he didn’t realize one of the biggest things about Bucky, he’s lived with him long enough to pick up on his tells.

“You can talk to me, Bucky, you know that. Is it the nightmares again?” Steve asked, looking even more concerned than when he sat down.

“Can’t have nightmares if you don’t fall sleep, Stevie.” Bucky said, aiming for cheeky.

“You need to stop that,” Steve put his hand on Bucky’s as he looked him in the eye, “before you hurt yourself. You’re gonna end up collapsing from exhaustion!”

Bucky snapped his head up from where he was looking at his plate. His heart and mind were racing. Dum-Dum gave Steve a side-eye from where he was sat next to him. Bucky calmed himself down so that he could talk straight.

“Thanks for the concern, Stevie, but I’ll be fine.” Bucky took his hand back and started to pick up his plate and utensils. “Besides, I don’t need as much sleep as I used to.”

Steve didn’t seem satisfied with that answer, but he didn’t get to say anything before Agent Carter walked in, pristine curls and makeup as usual. Steve was immediately distracted from their conversation when she walked up to their table.

“Morning, fellows,” she says to the guys, and then to Steve directly, “Captain Rogers, Colonel Phillips needs to speak to you immediately.”

“Yes ma’am, I’ll be right there.” Steve said with that damn smile he only gave Peggy.

That was Bucky’s cue to escape before Steve prodded anymore. He stood and stacked his plate where the others stacked theirs when they finished. He left the room and headed to his tent. When he got inside, he pulled a small, leather-bound journal from his rucksack and started writing. He filled the pages up with all the things he was too afraid to say aloud.

~

He, along with Dum-Dum, Morita, Jones, Dernier, and Falsworth stood on a mountain in bum-fuck-Egypt, listening to Steve go through the plan one last time. He, Bucky, and Jones were about to zipline onto a train, a _moving train_ , mind you, to raid the train and take down Zola and his HYDRA bastards. Yep, this was Bucky’s life.

Falsworth confirmed something on his radio, “Yep, we were right. Zola’s on there, transporting something to a HYDRA base up north.”

“Alright, we’ve got a ten second window here, if we miss, we’re bugs on a windshield.” Steve says, grabbing his railing.

“This isn’t payback for Coney Island, is it Steve?” Bucky asked, trying not to seem nervous.

Steve chuckled. “Nah.”

“Hop to it, bugs!” Dum-Dum said, signaling them to start jumping.

The three made it onto and into the train with no issues. Once inside, they were immediately noticed. Jones headed for the beginning of the train while Steve and Bucky held off the HYDRA goons. They were shooting back and forth when one HYDRA bastard blew out the entire side of the car. A couple shots later and Bucky was hit hard and knocked out of the hole. Bucky held on not for his sake, but Steve’s. He would never want to die leaving Steve to find any way to blame himself for it. He definitely would blame himself for this, since ziplining into the train was his idea. Steve threw himself to the outside wall of the train, reaching as far as he could for Bucky to grab his hand. The last thing Bucky registered before he slipped was Steve’s voice calling his name.

~

Steve sat in Bucky’s tent with a bottle of whiskey. He couldn’t get drunk because of the serum, but he sure as hell tried. He put down the bottle on something uneven and noticed it was a journal. Steve hurriedly grabbed the bottle before it could tip over onto the journal- _Bucky’s_ journal- and ruin it. He stared at the cover and debated on whether he should open it or not. He then decided that he’d read it because why the hell not? His best friend was dead and it was all his fault.

The first page held a short entry.

_Dernier is an asshole. He snuck some of my cigarettes out of my pack and thought I wouldn’t notice. That’s alright. I carved a dick into his knife hilt when he was asleep. I wonder how long it’ll take him to notice._

The pages that followed were filled with little things like that, mostly things about the other Commandos. They all made him smile. Bucky was always something else. When he got to the middle of the journal, he found a long entry. It looked like a letter. When he started reading it, he realized that it was addressed to him. He didn’t know if he ought to keep reading it or not. If Bucky didn’t give it to him, then he must not have wanted him to read it. Steve was not perfect, so he couldn’t stop reading it until he finished it.

_All the things I could never say to you._

_Stevie,_

_You know what the scariest thing about this war is? How easily it can change a man. I could feel it before HYDRA got ahold of me, but the feeling made itself known especially after you got me off of that table. My biggest fear is that the war will change you like it’s changed me. I hope and pray every night that you don’t lose that light in you. That golden heart of yours that I wish was mine to keep._

Steve was confused at that. What did Bucky mean by that? He kept reading.

_Your heart is made of gold, Steve. I wish mine was as pure as yours. The fact of the matter is, my heart’s been stretched and strained, but it still beats. It beats for you. I knew from the first time I saw that big crooked nose of yours, that there would be no escaping those feelings. I loved you from the time we met and never stopped, not even now. I think I really fell hard when we were still kids, and you had that really bad fever. You stayed in bed for days. I’d go to your room and you would be tossing and turning because of how uncomfortable you were. I would sit at the foot of your bed and hum that song that I liked so much, and you’d fall right asleep. You would wake up with the song on your mind and ask me what it was called. Every single time. I thought it was the most endearing thing. I love the way you can look out of the window of our shitty apartment every day and always find something different to draw. When you came back all big and healthy, I was scared you wouldn’t be able to draw anymore. I was a little stupid for that, but I had no idea what that stuff did to you. Turns out you were the same punk with a passion for picking fights, just bigger and more able to do so. Agent Carter must have noticed that you were still you afterwards, because she still fell in love with you even though you were big and dumb like the rest of us._

Steve blushed at that. He wouldn’t say love, exactly… but he felt so bad that Bucky had never said any of this to anyone, at least that’s what he’s assuming. The pain he felt was indescribable. He flipped the page.

_I don’t hold anything against Miss Carter. She’s perfect for you, Stevie. She doesn’t take shit, not even yours. That’s something important right there. I hope you make it outta here so you can marry her and have a bunch of mini Steves and Peggys running around. You always wanted a dream family. If I make it out of here, I can’t wait for the day your kid gives you the attitude you gave me all your life. I’d die a very happy man. I just hope you won’t forget about your old pal. Whatever you do in life, I’m with you ‘til the end of the line. Whether the line ends sooner or later, I’ve loved you since the beginning and I’ll love you ‘til it ends. You’re my true north._

_So long, Stevie._

_Your pal, Bucky_

Steve shut the notebook with a snap. He couldn’t believe what he just read. Bucky was in love with him. Steve never noticed. Bucky had loved him for years and still never realized it. It tore Steve to pieces that his best friend had to hide this big secret from him. He couldn’t imagine having to carry something like that around and having to act like everything was fine. Steve would have to carry the knowledge that he could never love Bucky in the way that he needed.

~

Steve’s final thoughts before he crashed the jet into the ice a few days later was that he was taking two hearts with him to the grave. Peggy’s and Bucky’s.

**Author's Note:**

> this is my first fic ever, i hope you enjoyed! kudos/comments are greatly appreciated! <3


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